so I came home from Florida homeless. Could do nothing else but move back in with my parents. This was really scary for me. My relationship with my parents was volatile to say the least. So I begged to come back home and they said yes but I had restrictions. I was like what!!!!!!! I never had restrictions before. I was basically able to do what I wanted when I wanted. Well that was when I went to church and they knew who my friends were. I really had no choice in the matter. So I yessed them to death and continued to do what I wanted. I did not go to church. I did not even talk to anyone in the house. I went to work and spent time with friends and spent little time at home. I was living my life for the enemy. I had no self esteem and was having " relationships" with boys really. They were either so much younger than me or it was strictly physical and they chose to see 6 or 7 women at the same time. My self loathing would not become apparent to me until years and I mean years later. I also had "friends" that were much younger than I and I justified it as I was helping them but in reality I was hurting them. I thought I was being an advocate for them but actually drove them away from their parents and did not realize it until I spoke face to face with someone my age and she basically stated that I was using her daughter and I needed to leave her alone. That hit me but did not stop me. That relationship did not end until she grew up and dropped me. That was so God.
So then I entered a long term relationship, so I thought. He was not the most stable person but was more my age and had a good job. I had met him years earlier and we were friends. He did not live in the greatest neighborhood so we spent a lot of time in my neighborhood. After a couple of years a friend of mine got an apartment and asked me to move in with her. Once again I moved out in the middle of the night and told no one where I was going. I was done with my family and I did not want them to know where I was going.
This was probably the most stable of relationships I had in the world. She was not a christian but kept me grounded to a point. I had to pay my rent so that meant I had to watch what I spent. I had never done that before. At one point when I was 19 and 20 I made the most money I had ever made and saw none of it. I spent it on a car, food, hotels, trips and gave it away. I was so foolish. So at this point I had no choice. I always worked. My brother and I worked from the time we were 15 years old. My father did not work for almost 5 years after my sister went to heaven. He was so depressed. A family in our church owned restaurants so we went to work for them. I worked for them for almost 15 years. Let me tell you how much they blessed us. That will come later.
So I am working have an apartment a boyfriend and I am misreable. It was no one's fault. It was my living for the enemy and not even knowing it. So my roomate and I had our boyfriends at the house almost all the time. She worked nights I worked days. Every once in a blue moon we would have breakfast together on Sundays. We mostly wrote notes to each other. This worked for me for about 2 years we did this. I did not see a lot that was good in my life at that point.
My relationship with my roomate was one of the few good things. The fact that I had a job was another one that I would screw up by stealing from them. The owners were wonderful to me and I stole from them. Another of the enemy's ploys to get me further away from Christ. When I was confronted I denied it at first but then finally gave in. Instead of having me arrested they had me quit. Can you imagine an owner of a business that finds someone stealing and they just tell you to quit and that would be the end of it. Talk about God having a hedge of protection around me. I worked retail for some odd years after that some high end some low end and some home improvement.
My relationship with the boyfriend was a different story. It was always rocky for all 8 years of it. I just always wished that he would finally see that I was someone who he really wanted to be around and spend some real quality time with. Over those 8 years we were on and off because I would get fed up with his antics. Their was days he would not come home and then tell me it was not me. I met his mother once face to face. The rest of his family was another story. I never met any of them. He kept telling me it was because they would come on to me. Talk about lies and veils that I could not see. The time he came home with 9 bullet holes in his truck. The explanation he got caught in a drive by. His home with his mother was not in a good neighborhood. I would find out years later that he was dealing drugs. I was so naive. The enemy can keep you so blind to so many things. So during those 8 years he would break my heart about 8,000 times. The whole time we were living together we never used protection. I was told I would never be able to conceive so I did not worry about it. Well you can alreay fathom what happened. I got pregnant. I was excited and so happy. I was not getting any younger and thought this was a good thing. Well the boyfriend was so dead set against it. I finally gave in and had an abortion. It is something that God and I would go through together years later. I have been forgiven by God and finally fogave myself for this. The reality of my relationship really set in at that point. He was nowhere to be found that day. I had 2 friends around me my roomate and another co worker that was also many years younger than myself. He actually slept on the floor next to me that first night and then after that we were seeing each other. The boyfriend was no where to be found for weeks. The young one I was more a mother to. I had always said this young one was going to be either a serial killer or in the army. Yes he is in the army now. I should have known that he was bad news for me when I started having nightmares that were so real I would wake up sore from them. I would dream I was being raped violently. It was like it was actually happening. Their were denomic spirits in my house and I was too blind to see that. Eventually our relationship grew violant. The last straw was me actually looking down on myself and watching myself wrap the phone cord around his neck and drag him through the apartment with it. He wanted to call the woman he was in love with. I was so blind.
The other boyfriend and I ended it about 10 years ago. His company moved across the US and he wanted me to go with him. I said no. God had other plans.
No comments:
Post a Comment