Monday, March 21, 2011
moving back home
So I went back home and it was not pretty. I was still myself and my mother was putting her foot down and would not have me be the person I was under her roof. I really had no choice I had to do it. My aunt I had a good relationship with because we got to complain about my mother together. She would be my sounding board for many months. I know that God put her their for a reason. I so thank Him for that.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My return home
So God had other plans and I am so thankful for that. My relationship was not physically abusive but emotionally abusive. Satan used this man to make me think I was nothing without him. I believed the lies that I had to be in a "relationship" to survive and if I was not their was something wrong with me. I was so submisive and so self loathing at that point that I would have done anything he said including getting an abortion because he told me we were not ready for a child. Looking back at that I can not believe that I fell for the tricks of Satan. I am so thankful for 1. God forgiving me for the abortion. I met a friend that used to run a ministry for people who were in my position and she spoke to me about the fogiveness of God for her because of this and that God had given her some insights. 1. God has those children in His arms. 2. He has forgiven us and sent His son to do that. 3. God can and has and will be the reason that I can live with myself after this. I so thank God that God gave me these insights and that God used this friend for me. God knows what you need when you need it. I did not realize that I was suppressing this and that I had buried it so deep that it was not until years like 10 years after the whole sitiation that I actually dealt with it. God sent another friend to me and she shared with me about miscarriages that she had and that she went into a deep depression because of it and that God had showed her that God had her babies in His arms and that God was protecting her children from what was to happen in her life. I am still amazed at what God can do and He will never cease to amaze me.
So back to my story. So I came home from the procedure and found my "boyfriend" no where to be found. A friend of mine was at the house and actually slept on the floor next to my bed that night because he did not want me to be alone. So ironic. So I began to spiral or unravel at that point. God so knew that if I was not lifted out of this situation soon that I would dig myself so far down into the abyss that only God could save me but that I may not have wanted to save myself. So I got a phone call from my family, who I had not spoken to in years, that I needed to come home. My mom's sister was coming to live with them and I needed to help.
So back to my story. So I came home from the procedure and found my "boyfriend" no where to be found. A friend of mine was at the house and actually slept on the floor next to my bed that night because he did not want me to be alone. So ironic. So I began to spiral or unravel at that point. God so knew that if I was not lifted out of this situation soon that I would dig myself so far down into the abyss that only God could save me but that I may not have wanted to save myself. So I got a phone call from my family, who I had not spoken to in years, that I needed to come home. My mom's sister was coming to live with them and I needed to help.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My 20's and 30's
so I came home from Florida homeless. Could do nothing else but move back in with my parents. This was really scary for me. My relationship with my parents was volatile to say the least. So I begged to come back home and they said yes but I had restrictions. I was like what!!!!!!! I never had restrictions before. I was basically able to do what I wanted when I wanted. Well that was when I went to church and they knew who my friends were. I really had no choice in the matter. So I yessed them to death and continued to do what I wanted. I did not go to church. I did not even talk to anyone in the house. I went to work and spent time with friends and spent little time at home. I was living my life for the enemy. I had no self esteem and was having " relationships" with boys really. They were either so much younger than me or it was strictly physical and they chose to see 6 or 7 women at the same time. My self loathing would not become apparent to me until years and I mean years later. I also had "friends" that were much younger than I and I justified it as I was helping them but in reality I was hurting them. I thought I was being an advocate for them but actually drove them away from their parents and did not realize it until I spoke face to face with someone my age and she basically stated that I was using her daughter and I needed to leave her alone. That hit me but did not stop me. That relationship did not end until she grew up and dropped me. That was so God.
So then I entered a long term relationship, so I thought. He was not the most stable person but was more my age and had a good job. I had met him years earlier and we were friends. He did not live in the greatest neighborhood so we spent a lot of time in my neighborhood. After a couple of years a friend of mine got an apartment and asked me to move in with her. Once again I moved out in the middle of the night and told no one where I was going. I was done with my family and I did not want them to know where I was going.
This was probably the most stable of relationships I had in the world. She was not a christian but kept me grounded to a point. I had to pay my rent so that meant I had to watch what I spent. I had never done that before. At one point when I was 19 and 20 I made the most money I had ever made and saw none of it. I spent it on a car, food, hotels, trips and gave it away. I was so foolish. So at this point I had no choice. I always worked. My brother and I worked from the time we were 15 years old. My father did not work for almost 5 years after my sister went to heaven. He was so depressed. A family in our church owned restaurants so we went to work for them. I worked for them for almost 15 years. Let me tell you how much they blessed us. That will come later.
So I am working have an apartment a boyfriend and I am misreable. It was no one's fault. It was my living for the enemy and not even knowing it. So my roomate and I had our boyfriends at the house almost all the time. She worked nights I worked days. Every once in a blue moon we would have breakfast together on Sundays. We mostly wrote notes to each other. This worked for me for about 2 years we did this. I did not see a lot that was good in my life at that point.
My relationship with my roomate was one of the few good things. The fact that I had a job was another one that I would screw up by stealing from them. The owners were wonderful to me and I stole from them. Another of the enemy's ploys to get me further away from Christ. When I was confronted I denied it at first but then finally gave in. Instead of having me arrested they had me quit. Can you imagine an owner of a business that finds someone stealing and they just tell you to quit and that would be the end of it. Talk about God having a hedge of protection around me. I worked retail for some odd years after that some high end some low end and some home improvement.
My relationship with the boyfriend was a different story. It was always rocky for all 8 years of it. I just always wished that he would finally see that I was someone who he really wanted to be around and spend some real quality time with. Over those 8 years we were on and off because I would get fed up with his antics. Their was days he would not come home and then tell me it was not me. I met his mother once face to face. The rest of his family was another story. I never met any of them. He kept telling me it was because they would come on to me. Talk about lies and veils that I could not see. The time he came home with 9 bullet holes in his truck. The explanation he got caught in a drive by. His home with his mother was not in a good neighborhood. I would find out years later that he was dealing drugs. I was so naive. The enemy can keep you so blind to so many things. So during those 8 years he would break my heart about 8,000 times. The whole time we were living together we never used protection. I was told I would never be able to conceive so I did not worry about it. Well you can alreay fathom what happened. I got pregnant. I was excited and so happy. I was not getting any younger and thought this was a good thing. Well the boyfriend was so dead set against it. I finally gave in and had an abortion. It is something that God and I would go through together years later. I have been forgiven by God and finally fogave myself for this. The reality of my relationship really set in at that point. He was nowhere to be found that day. I had 2 friends around me my roomate and another co worker that was also many years younger than myself. He actually slept on the floor next to me that first night and then after that we were seeing each other. The boyfriend was no where to be found for weeks. The young one I was more a mother to. I had always said this young one was going to be either a serial killer or in the army. Yes he is in the army now. I should have known that he was bad news for me when I started having nightmares that were so real I would wake up sore from them. I would dream I was being raped violently. It was like it was actually happening. Their were denomic spirits in my house and I was too blind to see that. Eventually our relationship grew violant. The last straw was me actually looking down on myself and watching myself wrap the phone cord around his neck and drag him through the apartment with it. He wanted to call the woman he was in love with. I was so blind.
The other boyfriend and I ended it about 10 years ago. His company moved across the US and he wanted me to go with him. I said no. God had other plans.
So then I entered a long term relationship, so I thought. He was not the most stable person but was more my age and had a good job. I had met him years earlier and we were friends. He did not live in the greatest neighborhood so we spent a lot of time in my neighborhood. After a couple of years a friend of mine got an apartment and asked me to move in with her. Once again I moved out in the middle of the night and told no one where I was going. I was done with my family and I did not want them to know where I was going.
This was probably the most stable of relationships I had in the world. She was not a christian but kept me grounded to a point. I had to pay my rent so that meant I had to watch what I spent. I had never done that before. At one point when I was 19 and 20 I made the most money I had ever made and saw none of it. I spent it on a car, food, hotels, trips and gave it away. I was so foolish. So at this point I had no choice. I always worked. My brother and I worked from the time we were 15 years old. My father did not work for almost 5 years after my sister went to heaven. He was so depressed. A family in our church owned restaurants so we went to work for them. I worked for them for almost 15 years. Let me tell you how much they blessed us. That will come later.
So I am working have an apartment a boyfriend and I am misreable. It was no one's fault. It was my living for the enemy and not even knowing it. So my roomate and I had our boyfriends at the house almost all the time. She worked nights I worked days. Every once in a blue moon we would have breakfast together on Sundays. We mostly wrote notes to each other. This worked for me for about 2 years we did this. I did not see a lot that was good in my life at that point.
My relationship with my roomate was one of the few good things. The fact that I had a job was another one that I would screw up by stealing from them. The owners were wonderful to me and I stole from them. Another of the enemy's ploys to get me further away from Christ. When I was confronted I denied it at first but then finally gave in. Instead of having me arrested they had me quit. Can you imagine an owner of a business that finds someone stealing and they just tell you to quit and that would be the end of it. Talk about God having a hedge of protection around me. I worked retail for some odd years after that some high end some low end and some home improvement.
My relationship with the boyfriend was a different story. It was always rocky for all 8 years of it. I just always wished that he would finally see that I was someone who he really wanted to be around and spend some real quality time with. Over those 8 years we were on and off because I would get fed up with his antics. Their was days he would not come home and then tell me it was not me. I met his mother once face to face. The rest of his family was another story. I never met any of them. He kept telling me it was because they would come on to me. Talk about lies and veils that I could not see. The time he came home with 9 bullet holes in his truck. The explanation he got caught in a drive by. His home with his mother was not in a good neighborhood. I would find out years later that he was dealing drugs. I was so naive. The enemy can keep you so blind to so many things. So during those 8 years he would break my heart about 8,000 times. The whole time we were living together we never used protection. I was told I would never be able to conceive so I did not worry about it. Well you can alreay fathom what happened. I got pregnant. I was excited and so happy. I was not getting any younger and thought this was a good thing. Well the boyfriend was so dead set against it. I finally gave in and had an abortion. It is something that God and I would go through together years later. I have been forgiven by God and finally fogave myself for this. The reality of my relationship really set in at that point. He was nowhere to be found that day. I had 2 friends around me my roomate and another co worker that was also many years younger than myself. He actually slept on the floor next to me that first night and then after that we were seeing each other. The boyfriend was no where to be found for weeks. The young one I was more a mother to. I had always said this young one was going to be either a serial killer or in the army. Yes he is in the army now. I should have known that he was bad news for me when I started having nightmares that were so real I would wake up sore from them. I would dream I was being raped violently. It was like it was actually happening. Their were denomic spirits in my house and I was too blind to see that. Eventually our relationship grew violant. The last straw was me actually looking down on myself and watching myself wrap the phone cord around his neck and drag him through the apartment with it. He wanted to call the woman he was in love with. I was so blind.
The other boyfriend and I ended it about 10 years ago. His company moved across the US and he wanted me to go with him. I said no. God had other plans.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
So I decided to move out of my house at 18 and move in with someone. So you ask what happened to all I learned for 13 years. I allowed the enemy to use my sister's death to destroy what God had done. Have you ever done that? Destruction from with in is not pretty. It is actually the most debilitating way the enemy uses to undo what God has done. I was a miserable person and I made every one around me misreable. I actually moved out of my house and did not tell my mother where I was going. So I gave in to the enemy and allowed satan to use my sister's death to hurt my mother. My sister went home to be with the Lord when she was 18 and here I was moving out of my house at 18 and not telling anyone where I was going. My father was actually in the living room and I said nothing to him. I had allowed evil to cloud my view of my family. I viewed them as the enemy.
I spent the next few months spirling out of control. I was gaining weight like you would not believe and I was using food, tv and alcohol to drown my sorrows. The man I was living with was not a nice person. He actually hated himself more than anyone I know or have ever known and he used that to chip away at what little self esteem I had. God kept me so protected though. I had many suicidal moments. I would drive down the road and think what if I just allowed the car to careen into that tree. I would then say to myself well you would probably screw that one up too. I could not even get suicide right. I was so far from God yet He was keeping me sorrounded by His love and grace.
A couple of years into this relationship we decided to go to Disney. He was a huge Disney freak. So I spent tons of money I did not have and we went for 2 weeks. We fought from the time we got on the plane out of NY. We got to Florida and we went our seperate ways. I spent most of the 2 weeks by myself and actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time. When we got on the plane to go home I told him I am moving out. We are no good for each other and this was never a committed relationship anyway. Can you imagine spending years with someone and it not being a committed relationship. This would not be the first time I made that mistake and would not be the last.
I spent the next few months spirling out of control. I was gaining weight like you would not believe and I was using food, tv and alcohol to drown my sorrows. The man I was living with was not a nice person. He actually hated himself more than anyone I know or have ever known and he used that to chip away at what little self esteem I had. God kept me so protected though. I had many suicidal moments. I would drive down the road and think what if I just allowed the car to careen into that tree. I would then say to myself well you would probably screw that one up too. I could not even get suicide right. I was so far from God yet He was keeping me sorrounded by His love and grace.
A couple of years into this relationship we decided to go to Disney. He was a huge Disney freak. So I spent tons of money I did not have and we went for 2 weeks. We fought from the time we got on the plane out of NY. We got to Florida and we went our seperate ways. I spent most of the 2 weeks by myself and actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time. When we got on the plane to go home I told him I am moving out. We are no good for each other and this was never a committed relationship anyway. Can you imagine spending years with someone and it not being a committed relationship. This would not be the first time I made that mistake and would not be the last.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
the beggining of my story
So I have been proded by God to tell my story the whole thing from the beginning to now. So here goes.
Well I was born in Queens NY. My sister Lisa was 5 years old at the time. We were living in Lefrak City. 17 months later my brother was born and a month later we moved to the subarbs on Long Island. My family was typical for the time. Mom was stay at home and Dad worked on Wall Street in NYC. My parents started to attend a group called Marriage Encounter and met two other couples who became family to ours and still are. When I was 5 years old we started to attend a Pentacostal Church and my mother has never stopped attending that church and works for them to this day.
My sister, brother and myself all attended the children's sundy school and youth group. We were your typical family. We fought we cried we laughed and we did things together as a family. My brother and I looked up to my sister being she was much older. When I turned 12 I realized my sister would be leaving the house soon to go away to college and the getting a job etc. I tried not to be the typical little sister it was hard and I can't say I was a success totaly but some of it worked.
So she went to a Christian college upstated and left that August. The house was so empty at the time. We talked on the phone frequently. I had spoken to her one November night and I told her I loved her and missed her. A couple of days later my mother gets a phone call that their was an accident and that she needed to get to Briacliffe Manor right away. My mother took me to the family from Marriage Encounter and my brother to the other. We were their for hours. My father had gotten to the hospital sooner because he was closer. My sister went home to be with her Lord that day and it changed our families lives.
My mother being the strong Christian woman she was pressed in closer to the Lord. My father not being as strong went into a deep depression. My brother did as my mother did and I do not know if I blamed God so much as I just wanted to be like my sister and try to use her as a role model. I got more involved in church and tried to be the best person I could be. It was not easy to try to be someone I was not and not the person God made me to be, but He so knows what He is doing. I actually was numb I would say for about 8 years. When I turned 18 things got messier than they had been.
Well I was born in Queens NY. My sister Lisa was 5 years old at the time. We were living in Lefrak City. 17 months later my brother was born and a month later we moved to the subarbs on Long Island. My family was typical for the time. Mom was stay at home and Dad worked on Wall Street in NYC. My parents started to attend a group called Marriage Encounter and met two other couples who became family to ours and still are. When I was 5 years old we started to attend a Pentacostal Church and my mother has never stopped attending that church and works for them to this day.
My sister, brother and myself all attended the children's sundy school and youth group. We were your typical family. We fought we cried we laughed and we did things together as a family. My brother and I looked up to my sister being she was much older. When I turned 12 I realized my sister would be leaving the house soon to go away to college and the getting a job etc. I tried not to be the typical little sister it was hard and I can't say I was a success totaly but some of it worked.
So she went to a Christian college upstated and left that August. The house was so empty at the time. We talked on the phone frequently. I had spoken to her one November night and I told her I loved her and missed her. A couple of days later my mother gets a phone call that their was an accident and that she needed to get to Briacliffe Manor right away. My mother took me to the family from Marriage Encounter and my brother to the other. We were their for hours. My father had gotten to the hospital sooner because he was closer. My sister went home to be with her Lord that day and it changed our families lives.
My mother being the strong Christian woman she was pressed in closer to the Lord. My father not being as strong went into a deep depression. My brother did as my mother did and I do not know if I blamed God so much as I just wanted to be like my sister and try to use her as a role model. I got more involved in church and tried to be the best person I could be. It was not easy to try to be someone I was not and not the person God made me to be, but He so knows what He is doing. I actually was numb I would say for about 8 years. When I turned 18 things got messier than they had been.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
What are you willing to give up for God
So had a meeting last night and the focus was 2 Corinthians 4:15-19 and 2 Corinthians 5:1-11. We are here for just a moment and will spend the rest in eternity is our obsession, addiction, or craving for unhealthy food worth us not being in God's will. With the little time we have in these bodies do we really need to eat unhealthy. God does not want us to be unhealthy. We can do so much more work for God healthy.
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